What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
You Might Also Like
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
A man of commitment.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.