*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
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100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Nice try, NASA
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.