I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I put the mess in domestic.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.