shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
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My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I hate my earbuds.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Animal poetry
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?