Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
You Might Also Like
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.