A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
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“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.