Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
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“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it