A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
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WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.