Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
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After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
My love language is deader than Latin
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here