I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
You Might Also Like
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.