Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
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I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.