Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
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It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”