Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
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Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Mountain Goat : )
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”