Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
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Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”