ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
You Might Also Like
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome