Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
You Might Also Like
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
The future is now.