I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
NASA has no chill
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”