“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
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Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe