If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
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The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
dude it’s called proctologist
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in