if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
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“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.