I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Breaking news:
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.