[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
You Might Also Like
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos