I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
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Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.