Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
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‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I am never leaving this website
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?