You Might Also Like
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?