Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
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I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
oh you wanna fight?!
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.