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my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Best seat on the street 😍
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.