Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
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[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit