Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
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I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Breaking news:
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
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