I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
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I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.