[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
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My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.