I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
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A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house