🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Mad Max: Furry Road
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡