me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
You Might Also Like
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
quarantine day 3
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.