*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
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Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
We all have our pet causes.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.