*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
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I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.