[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
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[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
These are too funny not to post 😂
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children