The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
*me flirting
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year