I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
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brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?