Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
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Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.