Autocannibalism is self-serving.
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People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
it be like that
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
WHO DID THIS?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”