I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
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Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
checking out some reviews of my local library
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?