In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
You Might Also Like
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”