Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.