if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
You Might Also Like
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”