Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
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Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Shoo shoo! 😂
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…