[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!