Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[eats all your cotton candy]
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.