[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
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Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭