Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
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I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days